A Dude Diner’s Doctrine


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I dine out a lot and notice a lot of guys with shitty restaurant manners who try too hard to impress their date. I call them douchebags. And only girls who wear juicy couture sweatsuits would go home with those guys. Here are some restaurant behavioral guidelines to impress a sweet, normal girl.

What’s the time?

Get it together and make a reservation. Then show up on time. But hey, it’s Portugal and you’re always running late, in which case you’re required to text or call your date and push the time with the restaurant. If you’re on time but your date is not, don’t be rude to the hostess for not seating you until she arrives. That’s just the way it works. If you’re taking up a stool at the bar while you wait, order a drink or get up for someone who will. If she keeps you waiting for over 15 minutes without a text, thank the hostess and leave. If you stick around longer, you’re being desperate. You do remember that there are two singles girls to every single guy in this city, yes?

OMG!!! TGIF!!!!

Avoid the weekend amateur hour. That’s when all the dishes are cranked out mindlessly, the wait is long, the service is flustered and the crowd, unruly. Tuesday and Wednesday nights are the best for dining or going out. The food is at its finest and the staff will be more focused on you and your date. Thursdays are a gamble but generally good. Unless the restaurant projects a crushingly depressing ambiance, a calm dining room ensures a smooth date.

Put it on vibrate

If the phone rings at the dinner table, you’re not allowed to answer it. It’s rude and you’ll annoy adjacent diners since people naturally talk louder on their cell. And why the hell is your ringer on? Set your phone on vibrate. If you really need to take the call, excuse yourself from the table and keep the conversation to a minute. You’re allowed to check your texts or emails while your date is using the restroom. And don’t set your phone on the table. It goes back into your pocket. If it goes back into a belt clip, be prepared to never get laid ever again.

Seriously, shut up

A loud table in any respectable restaurant is unforgivably distracting. It’s perfectly fine to have a good time, but I don’t care how enthused you are about your friend’s birthday. Watch the volume. There’s nothing more annoying than a screaming douchebag at a nearby table. This rule applies to life in general.

I’ll have what she’s having

It’s perfectly fine to ask your server how to pronounce an item or what it even means, but you really should study the menu and google the shit out of all dishes before you go. Always split an appetizer and dessert with your date, and order wine instead of vodka or beer. If you don’t know shit about wine, read Sommelier’s Guide to Wine or have the server recommend a bottle. Don’t order for your date unless she’s completely illiterate or doesn’t speak English. Always let your date order the entree first. If you are getting the same dish, don’t say, “I’ll have what she’s having.” Say, “I’ll have the duck breast as well” and snap the menu shut. Ordering is not a mix-and-match situation. Unless you have food allergies, take the dish as is. However subbing salad for fries is acceptable, but your date will think you’re gay. If ordering a burger or steak, get it medium rare or you’re not a beef person. Lamb should be rare, maybe medium rare. Stop trimming the fat off of red meat and pork. That’s where the flavor is. Chicken breast says you’re boring and a salad entrée says you’re a pussy. Be adventurous when ordering then share bites with your date. Try sweetbreads, foie gras, tongue, lardo, trotters or whatever else sounds a bit strange. Dining out is about new experiences. Order accordingly.

The dreaded check, please

Gentlemen, if you’re on your first date, you have to pick up the entire check. She’ll act like she’s reaching for the purse but it’s an empty gesture. She may even be quick and have her wallet out in your view, but again, there’s no true intent there. That’s when you act all cool and say, “My treat. You get drinks next.” If you split the check, you’ll fuck up your chances for being a cheap bastard regardless of how spectacular the rest of the date was. Ladies, you really do have to pay for drinks at the next spot. Otherwise, you’re a freeloader. A quick tip in general. If you’re dining with a group of friends, you’ve silently agreed to evenly split the bill simply by showing up. Don’t order an appetizer and water and slide in $5 at the end of the meal. Dinner with friends is a full commitment so go all out and share everything. If it’s a large party, pay in cash instead of throwing down ten debit cards. Do not count pennies and perform long division on the check. It’s painful to watch and the server and your friends will secretly want to murder you. What goes around comes around. It really is true in dining.

Respect the staff and tip well

Just because you’re paying for a meal doesn’t mean you can be a prick. Never be condescending to the staff. Be cordial and you’ll receive much better service instead of pubes in your soup. It’s perfectly fine to flirt with the staff as long as everyone is laughing and you’re not being a dirtbag. Tip 20% for good service, 30% for an amazing experience. If the experience is so bad that you’re compelled to leave less than 15% or not tip at all, talk to the manager first. If the management is just as inept, leave no less than 10% and walk out. Don’t use recession as an excuse to be cheap, which means the coat check is still $2 per coat.

Just Be fun

In the end, it’s just food so don’t be all serious, depressing or creepy at the table. Don’t bring up heavy subjects, be pretentious or whine about your job. And stop sweating so profusely, you nervous freak. Be comfortable, joke around, share bites, get to know the staff and just be fun. Any sweet, normal girl will be thrilled that you’re not a complete douchebag.


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